Why rules alone rarely change how a family or team behaves, what Schein and Edmondson show about culture, and how to shape it through relationships.
When something goes wrong in a family or an organisation, the most common response is to make a rule. A curfew. A policy. A new procedure for approvals. Rules are quick to create and easy to point to, and they give the impression that the problem has been dealt with.
Sometimes a rule is exactly what is needed. More often, the problem was never a lack of rules. It was a pattern of relationships and beliefs that the rule does not reach.
What culture actually is
Edgar Schein, whose Organizational culture and leadership is one of the most widely cited books on the subject, described culture in three layers. On the surface are artefacts: the things you can see, such as the office layout, the dress code, the posters and the handbook. Beneath those are espoused values, what a group says it believes. At the deepest level are basic underlying assumptions, the beliefs people take for granted and rarely say aloud, such as “senior people are not questioned here” or “mistakes are punished” or “in this family we do not talk about money”.
Schein’s central point is that behaviour follows the deepest layer. When a new rule conflicts with an existing assumption, people tend to follow the assumption and work around the rule.
This explains why some policies are ignored. A whistleblowing procedure in an organisation where people believe speaking up is dangerous will not be used. A family rule that everyone must be honest will not be followed if honesty has previously led to shouting.
Why rules alone fail
There are three reasons rules struggle to shape relational behaviour on their own.
First, rules address behaviour after the fact. They tell people what not to do, but they rarely help people understand why, or build the relationships that make the right behaviour natural.
Second, rules often reduce ownership. Edward Deci and Richard Ryan’s research on self determination theory shows that people are most committed to standards when they feel some sense of choice and involvement. Rules handed down from above tend to produce compliance at best, and quiet resistance at worst.
Third, rules are applied by people. If a rule is enforced strictly for junior staff and loosely for senior ones, or for one child and not another, the real lesson is about power, not the rule itself.
I know of a boarding school in Ogun State that responded to bullying by introducing more and more rules: restricted hours, supervised corridors, detailed punishments. Bullying moved to places and times the rules did not cover. What eventually changed things was a mentoring scheme where older students were paired with younger ones and given real responsibility for their welfare. The relationships did what the rules could not, because they changed what older students believed their role was.
What shapes culture instead
If rules sit on the surface, relationships shape the deeper layers. Three things matter most.
How leaders respond in critical moments. Schein observed that people learn the real culture by watching what leaders pay attention to, how they react to crises, what they reward and who they promote. A single response to bad news can teach more than a year of training.
Psychological safety. Amy Edmondson’s research at Harvard Business School found that teams where people feel safe to raise concerns, admit mistakes and ask questions learn faster and perform better. That safety is built, or destroyed, in everyday interactions.
Shared ownership. When people help shape how a group behaves, they are far more likely to hold each other to it. This is why co created agreements tend to outlast imposed ones.
A story from the UK
Take for instance a charity in Liverpool supporting young people leaving care. The staff team had a long list of rules for how young people should behave in the drop incentre: no phones, no swearing, no raised voices. Staff spent much of their time enforcing them, and several young people had stopped coming.
A new manager asked the young people to help write the centre’s culture guide. They met over pizza on three evenings. The young people proposed their own statements, and some were stricter than the old rules. “Nobody gets talked about behind their back.” “If you are having a bad day, say so, and you will get space.” “Staff do not shout either.”
The guide had fewer rules and far more agreement. Staff spent less time enforcing and more time talking. Attendance rose within two months, and the young people began reminding each other of the guide without being asked.
Culture in families
Families have cultures too, and they are shaped the same way. Children learn the real rules by watching how parents respond to conflict, mistakes, disappointment and difference. A household might have a stated rule against shouting. If a parent shouts when stressed, the underlying lesson is that shouting is what adults do when things get hard.
Shaping family culture means paying attention to the assumptions children are forming, and asking whether those assumptions are the ones you want them to carry into their own adult lives.
Starting points for this week
Choose one rule in your team or family that is regularly ignored. Instead of enforcing it more strictly, ask the people involved what they believe about the situation it covers. Listen for the assumption beneath the behaviour.
Notice your own responses in difficult moments. What are they teaching?
Consider inviting the people you lead to help describe how you want to treat each other. My October programme includes guided sessions on co creating a culture guide for families and small teams, and you can register at www.deleagbogun.com.
Rules have their place. Culture is shaped by what people experience together, again and again, in ordinary moments.
Shaping relational culture, not rules
