Forgiveness is misunderstood.
Forgiveness isn’t about letting someone off the hook. It’s about freeing yourself.
Many people think forgiving someone means:
Saying it was okay that they hurt you. (It’s not.)
Forgetting what happened. (You won’t.)
Letting them off the hook. (You’re not.)
What forgiveness actually means is:
Releasing the hold that hurt has on you. Choosing to move forward. Deciding the relationship matters more than the grudge.
Research in positive psychology shows that forgiveness is actually a gift you give yourself. (Fredrickson, B. L., 2001)
People who hold grudges have higher stress. Higher blood pressure. More depression.
People who forgive, even when the other person doesn’t fully deserve it, have better mental health. Better physical health. Better relationships.
But here’s the thing: Forgiveness doesn’t happen because someone apologises perfectly.
Forgiveness is your choice. It’s you deciding that you’re not going to let this define the relationship anymore.
However, an apology makes forgiveness easier. Because apology says: “I see you. I understand your pain. I’m taking responsibility.”
When someone apologises with genuine remorse, forgiveness comes more easily.
When someone doesn’t apologise, forgiveness is harder. But it’s still possible. It’s you deciding to let go for your own sake, even if the other person doesn’t understand what they did.
The Research On Forgiveness
Studies show that forgiveness is a process, not an event. (Freedman & Enright, 1996)
It doesn’t happen all at once. It happens in phases:
Phase 1: Acknowledging the hurt. “That really hurt. It matters.”
Phase 2: Understanding what happened. “I can see why they acted that way even if I don’t agree with it.”
Phase 3: Releasing the grudge. “I’m choosing to let this go. Not because it’s okay. But because holding it is hurting me.”
Phase 4: Rebuilding. “I’m choosing to move forward. Whether the relationship changes or not, I’m not staying stuck here.”
This process takes time. There’s no timeline. And it’s not linear. You might move back and forth between phases.
What matters is that you’re moving toward release, not staying stuck in hurt.