Most writing on appreciation at work assumes that gratitude flows downwards, from leaders to their teams. Managers thank staff. Parents praise children. Mentors encourage mentees.
Gratitude in the other direction is less common and often more awkward. Thanking a senior colleague, a former boss or an elderly mentor can feel presumptuous, as though you are evaluating them. In some cultures it can even feel disrespectful. Yet the people above us often receive the least specific appreciation of anyone in an organisation or a family.
Why thanking upwards feels uncomfortable
Geert Hofstede’s research on national cultures offers one explanation. His power distance dimension measures how far less powerful members of a society accept and expect that power is distributed unequally. Nigeria scores high on this dimension. The United Kingdom scores relatively low.
In high power distance settings, people are often taught to show respect to elders and superiors through deference: greeting properly, not interrupting, accepting decisions. Expressing appreciation to a senior person can feel uncomfortably close to judging them. “Who am I to tell my Oga he did well?”
In lower power distance settings, the barrier is different. People may feel free to thank a manager, but they worry it will look like flattery or an attempt to gain favour.
In both settings, the result is similar. Senior people hear a great deal about problems and very little about the specific difference they have made.
What leaders and mentors miss
Kathy Kram’s research on mentoring describes the many ways mentors shape careers through sponsorship, coaching, protection and role modelling. Much of that influence happens quietly and its effects appear years later.
Without appreciation from the people they have helped, mentors and senior leaders lose valuable information. They do not know which of their efforts mattered. A director who spent months developing a junior colleague, then watched her leave for a competitor, may conclude that the investment was wasted. In reality, that colleague may describe the director as the most important influence of her career, and simply never say so.
Sara Algoe’s find, remind and bind theory suggests that expressed gratitude strengthens relationships in both directions. A senior person who receives specific thanks is reminded of the value of the relationship and becomes more invested in it. Appreciation upwards keeps generous people generous.
How to thank upwards with respect
I know of a young pharmacist in Ibadan who wanted to thank the superintendent pharmacist who had trained her. She worried that a direct letter would seem forward. In the end she wrote to him on the anniversary of her registration, opening with a traditional greeting and expressing respect before describing, in detail, three things he had taught her that she now used daily. He replied that he had read it several times and shared it with his wife.
Her approach shows a few principles that work across cultures.
Lead with respect. In settings where hierarchy matters, acknowledging the person’s position and experience first makes the thanks feel appropriate rather than presumptuous.
Describe, do not evaluate. “You were an excellent leader” can sound like a junior judging a senior. “Because you showed me how to handle angry customers, I handled a difficult complaint calmly last week” simply reports what happened.
Choose a natural moment. Milestones such as anniversaries, promotions, retirements and festive seasons give gratitude an occasion and reduce any sense of strangeness.
Keep it private unless public thanks is clearly welcome. Many senior people are more comfortable receiving appreciation in a personal letter than in front of colleagues.
Thanking upwards in families
The same dynamics play out in families. Adult children often find it easier to help their parents practically than to thank them in words. In many Nigerian families, gratitude to parents is expressed through provision and respect rather than speech. In many British families, it may be expressed through visits and gestures, while words stay unspoken.
Both forms matter. Words add something the others cannot. A father who hears his grown son say “the way you handled money when we had very little taught me how to run my business” receives a gift that no material provision can replace.
Organisations can make it easier
Organisations can create occasions that make upward appreciation feel natural. Some invite departing staff to write a short note to the person who most helped their development. Others include an appreciation moment in long service and retirement events, where former mentees speak about what they learnt. A UK charity I learnt about invites each new manager, at their first anniversary in the role, to write to the person who trained them.
One letter upwards this month
Think of one person above you, in age or position, whose influence you carry with you. Write to them with respect, describe what they did and what it made possible, and choose a natural moment to deliver it.
My free appreciation letter guide at www.deleagbogun.com includes prompts specifically for writing to mentors, teachers and parents.